The addiction cycle is embedded in a larger addictive system. Let's take a look at the big picture first. Our belief system is a collection of myths, societal norms, values, and convictions that affect the decisions we make. If you believe that "women always get what they want" or "men always lie", for example, it will skew how you look at relationships. At the core of our belief system are ideas we hold to be true about ouselves. For the sex addict they are:
-I am basically an unworthy person.
-No one would love me as I am.
-My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.
-Sex is my most important need.
There is an internal logic that connects beliefs like the ones above and can flow together like this: "Because I am unworthy, no one would really love me if they knew what I was like on the inside. Consequently, my needs are never going to be met if I have to tell the truth about who I am. Given that sex is my most important need, I will never be able to rely on another person who really knows me to get it." This logic is a clear recipe for disaster. Sex or acting out becomes an end in itself.
Out of the stressed situation flows delusional thinking. These thoughts may be totally subconscious to the addict. At least that is how it felt to me. This impaired thinking allows the addiction cycle to take root and flourish. It distorts reality and blocks your awareness of what is going on around you. The addiction cycle becomes the driving force in the addict's life and bad things start to happen. The addict is out of control and also out of touch with reality. Sooner or later, the addict's life becomes a mess. They find themselves despairing about how complex, stressful, or awful their lives have become... confirming their dysfunctional beliefs about being an unlovable person and thus the belief system perpetuates itself. Ironically, it then kicks the addict back into their addiction cycle and the repeat button is held down and concealed.
The above is a graphic representation of the addiction cycle. Your addicition cicle is the lower half of the drawing. Compulsive behavior can also be labeled sexual compulsivity. The upper portion shows the larger addictive system I spoke about at the beginning of this article. It can be helpful to draw a graphic representation of the addiction cycle with examples of your cycle under each phase. Becoming aware of your addiction cycle can bring you great transparency and insight into your own cycle. When I did this exercise, it was clear as day what my preoccupation was. It was also helpful to see my own impaired thinking... it was so subconscious at the time, but full of so much deep pain, fear and anxiety. Being aware has helped my mental state drastically. A byproduct of this is that it has allowed me the awareness to begin working to heal from my guilt, shame, and dispair.
I also want to emphasize the importance of having people to support you. There are others out there doing the same work who you will admire or feel comfortable with. Be honest and open with them. Be open to feedback. I find inspiration in my men's groups and SAA group. If you have questions about something like your addiction cycle ask them if it is okay to speak about it or ask questions. Be mindful not to trigger them - use neutral words and don't go into incredible detail.