There I was. Caught. Caught feeling ashamed, embarassed, remorseful, confused, and somehow like I was still in control. I was flooded by the pain I knew I had caused, but no matter how many times I told myself to surrender I could not see the extent of my problems nor could I even see there was an addiction cycle that warranted treatment. I don't expect anyone beyond a clinician or fellow addict to believe me, but I could only see what had been discovered. My addict brain was a master of hiding and compartmentalizing every painful detail from me. It was a tender and, looking back, a terribly confusing time. Every addict I've spoken to since remembers being there.
I can't say that my partner would agree, but the most problematic initial denial that was going on for me was self-delusion. I was in the middle of my escape illness and I couldn't even see what I had done and what I was doing. The goal of this addiction was to obliterate reality and medicate my own trauma and wounded self. How unfair to my partner, to my loved ones, and even to myself. Addiction often begins simply: reality becomes too much to bear so we try to escape through drugs, alcohol or sex. When escaping becomes habitual, we have arrived at mental illness... also known as addiction. When does this typically happen you may ask? There is a sad reality that many of our sex addictions stem from childhood or sexual trauma. I wasn't aware of it... and it hid from me so well. Everyone's addiction is different. Childhood trauma events can be anything from coming from an authoritatian family, experiencing a sex-negative situation, being inappropriately exposed to sexual things too early, abuse, neglect, or simply not feeling loved, heard, or trusting of your parents.
My very first homework assignment was to learn the many forms of denial and it was transformative. It cracked me wide open... I keep coming back to this idea of awareness. I feel like awareness is all I needed to ever be sober. Sure, therapy was needed for recovery - don't get me wrong. Once I was educated on various forms of denial, the curtains were slowly being pulled back. Actually, it was almost immediately. I remember within two days of doing denial exercises seeing a full picture. Granted, my addiction was still hiding details from me - which is why disclosure is such a long laborious process, but I could see the edges. The layers of the onion were finally being exposed to myself and I did not like what I saw. Your brain has an amazing way of hiding things from yourself that you should absolutely remember doing... how is that possible? Addict brainwiring.
Think of the addiction like a foreign computer virus... it has created brain wiring to keep your addiction hidden from YOURSELF. It you saw it, you would be compelled to stop it. Why? Because you love your spouse, you love your life together, you love your children. You are not a monster. Your ADDICTION is a monster and it wants you to never discover it. Fight back and get the help you need.
For anyone who feels something is not quite right, but can't put their finger on it... or for anyone who is struggling to see reality, I suggest learning the forms of denial and remembering you are not alone. If you are like most addicts, you will start to realize how far from reality you have been living.
Global Thinking - attempting to justify why something is not a problem and using terms like "always", "never", and "no problem whatsoever"
Rationalization - Justifying unaccepatable behavior. "I don't have a probelm - I'm just sexually liberated" or "This is not cheating, it is stress management and making me a better partner." This was a big one for me...
Minimizing - Trying to make behavior or consqequences seem smaller and less important than they are. "Only a little." "Once in a while." "Not a big deal." My addiction did this...
Comparison - Shifting the focus to someone else to justify behaviors. "I am not as bad as ______."
Uniqueness - Thinking you are different or special. "My situation is different."
Avoiding by distraction - Being a clown and getting everyone laughing; angry outbursts meant to frighten; threats or posturing; shocking behavior that may be sexual.
Avoiding by ommission - Trying to change the subject, ignore the subject, or manipulate the conversation to avoid talking about something. It is also leaving out important bits of information like the fact that a lover is underage or that person is your friend's partner.
Blaming - This one is self-explanatory. "If I wasn't so stressed, I wouldn't do this." "You would cruise all night too, if you had my job or relationship."
Intellectualizing - avoiding feelings and responsibility by thinking or asking why. Explaining everything. Getting lost in detail and storytelling. Pretending superior intellect and using intelligence as a weapon.
Hopelessness - "I'm a victim and I can't help it."
Manipulative Behavior - Usually involves some distortion of reality including the use of power, lies, secrets or guilt to exploit others.
Compartmentalizing - Separating your life into compartments in which you do things that keep you separate from other parts of your life. THIS WAS MY MAIN PROBLEM.
Seduction - Using charm, humor, good looks, or helpfulness to gain sexual access and cover up insecurity.
Gaslighting - Consciously or unconsciously manipulating another into believing that their reality is wrong. Blaming issues in your relationship on your partner's personal issues. Being sober and denying the impact of your acting out behaviors.
After studying these forms of denial, I was instructed to identify my problems list and identify what forms of denial I used to others and to myself. After my first go, I saw the denial working against myself (SHOCKING). Seeing through the smoke was an eye-opening experience. I did the assignment a second time and then it truly made sense... I had been given the gift of beginning my recovery.