Just as the overeater does not need to give up food, but needs to learn a new healthy approach to food which is non-compulsive and non-destructive, so the sex addict needs to learn a new approach to sex in their life. In order to define sobriety, one must admit the acts they are powerless over. This is done by identifying your inner circle that consists of behavior we deem equivalent to the first "drink." Common activities found in inner circles are massage/pay for sex, pornography, masturbating, phone sex, sexual contact outside one's relationship, etc.
Unlike the alcoholic who must practive abstinence from alcohol, most of us have no desire to plug up our sexuality and become totally celibate. For it is not sex in and of itself that causes the problems. It is the various ways we misuse certain kinds of sex or sexual behavior that causes us to get "drunk."
Each addict has his or her own specific set of compulsions from which it is necessary to abstain. This does not mean an addict cannot be sexually active with his or her partner if that was never a compulsion.
Walking into sobriety means letting go of your old emotional life raft. The life raft was the addictive behavior that may have had strong grip on you saying "without this to soothe me, I might die." It means releasing a destructive coping mechanism.
My advice here is to focus on your partner and the hurt you have caused him or her. If you love them as much as you say you do, it makes focusing attention on abstaining from the destructive behavior much easier. You should also learn about self-regulatoin, healthy coping, and daily self-care. Without these, the addict may experience periods of "white knuckling." If possible, engage in cognitive behavioral therapy and create a recovery plan.
While sobriety is all about avoiding harmful coping strategies, recovery is about healing so you do not need them. In recovery, we don't just avoid our medicators. In recovery, we heal our relationship with them. We identify the underlying emotional and psychological needs we were attempting to meet, and we learn to get our needs met in new healthy ways that feel good to us and others.
This starts with a journy of healing and personal growth. Recognizing addictive behavior as a symptom of something deeper, I have found that practicing tolerating my emotions that were repressed (guilt, shame, loneliness, resentment, fear, anxiety, worthiness) has helped my awareness greatly. Recognizing unmet needs or facing childhood trauma that may be a root-cause of maladaptive coping is another big one. Recovery is about prioritizing connection, engaging in a social support community like group therapy or a 12 step, and accessing courage to admit vulnerability and practice humility.
There are many gifts of recovery and they often feel out of reach on day 1. Practice daily meditation and readings to remind yourself of the gifts that await on the otherside of longterm sobriety and longterm recovery. I'll be adding more to this article soon.